Headfuck Luck


I’m eating magpie soup again,

been walking under ladders,

passing people on stairs.

Ended up with the smallest

half of the wish-bone.

Had a tarot reading

and pulled The Tower,

Death and the 3, 8 and 10

of Swords, Fuck!

Didn’t catch my girlfriend cheating,

so I’m stuck with her for now.

Been disowned by everyone

that I used to know

but that is exactly what I needed.

Nothing is going right

and nothing is going wrong

I am walking through the middle

ground somewhere, for now.

With all of the signs pointing

to positive or negative outcomes

which do not appear?

I guess that right now I am lucky

at not having good or bad luck


What a curious foreign limbo this is?


© Paul Tristram 2012


Super Size My Love, Innit!


It started running down her left leg, then it started running

down her right arm, it filled her left shoe while it ran over

and off her right fingers, it was hatred.

It bubbled upon the back of her neck, spreading up and through

her hair, it went down her left arm, then her right leg, all of

a sudden there was a splash and it ran down her back, through

her arse and then crashing to the floor.

Then it started at the front, gaining momentum as it rose up

the curve of each breast, creating a gushing waterfall straight

down through her pubic hair and down onto the floor around

her feet.

She was now totally and utterly consumed in hatred, she started

shaking and swaying, for a few seconds it looked as if she

might lose her balance and topple over but she didn’t, she

started to scream instead.

Then she lunged at her boyfriend and started to scratch at

his terror struck face.

“You Bastard!” she yelled.

“You fucking insensitive, selfish, thoughtless Bastard, you

know that I asked for a Chicken McSandwich, you know I

never have fucking Chicken McNuggets but what have you

fucking bought me again, you stupid Bastard?”

With this she grabbed the box of Chicken McNuggets off

the table and started to ram them into his bruised and bloody


Then she tried ramming one up his left nostril, it wouldn’t

fit, well she’d just have to make the fucker fit wouldn’t she.

She managed to get a corner up, then with the same hand she

pushed his forehead back, then while his head was tilted back

and with the use of great force she banged the Chicken

McNugget right up into his nostril with the palm of her hand.

He let out a sickly little moan and breathed heavily out of

the one nostril

“Thou Bithitch!” he groaned.

 Well, that was the final straw, she went for the strawberry

milkshake and leapt into his unprotected lap, she then tried

to drown the poor motherfucker with the afore mentioned

strawberry milkshake.

It was at this point that I stepped in, I had been sitting

quietly in the corner (No, not the corner by the fucking

toilets, what do you think I am for Christ Sake? I was

sitting in the corner on the other side of McDonalds!) just

musing over the state which I had again let my life get into.

When I suddenly thought to myself ‘Hey that’s enough God

Damn it’ I stood up upon my sturdy feet and shouted across

of McDonalds,

“Yo, ginger motherfucker, yeah you with your knees in that

poor Bastards scrotum, enough’s enough, now climb on down

off of him!”

But she did not even hear me; she was too busy shouting abuse

at the poor Bastard while still trying to drown the poor

motherfucker with the strawberry milkshake, she was shouting,

“You God Damned fucking faggot, you can’t even get it up

anymore and you never go down on me, you selfish Bastard,

what’s the matter with my pussy, most men would love to

have my pussy!”

She was still kneeling on him, but she managed to turn to one

side, lift up her skirt, pull her knickers to one side and shout

to an old man on the table opposite,

“What do you think of my pussy eh, you’d go down on it if

it slept with you every night, wouldn’t you, you old fuck?”

The old guy just turned red then purple then looked at his

wife, his wife was playing with a cold French fry, pretending

that nothing was happening.

It was then that I lassoed her, YEEHAAA!

I pulled that psycho bitch right off the guy’s whose bollocks

now resembled pork paste, and dragged her insane arse right

up the aisle and out through the main doors.

As we disappeared out of the doors the people still sitting in

McDonalds started cheering, as soon as we got outside I tied

her up and threw her over my motherfucking saddle, leapt up

onto Geronimo (My horse!) and rode on out of Dodge.

I’ve still got her at my place, well when I say at my place,

I mean the fucking shed, she still screams like a banshee, it

keeps the chickens awake at night but I’m normally too drunk

to even notice.

Anyway, I’m even starting to fancy the psycho bitch myself,

I don’t know what it is; maybe it’s the way the moonlight

bounces off her spittle, but anyway I’ll let you know how I

get on with her, alright?

© Paul Tristram 2013

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